The Dark Underbelly of a Perfect Spring day

The Dark Underbelly of a Perfect Spring day
Is the fact that there is nothing I can do that will measure up to its perfection. Rhody bushes watermelon pink & big as the Parthenon. Some folks picnic in the park with egg & watercress sandwiches—but I don't even check my email.
I do take a long walk, though not long enough to reduce the size of my hemispherical stomach. And by the time I get to the cafe, Lee is nowhere in sight.
Daniel sits outside smoking in eavesdrop on some bike policemen. They are not interesting, he tells me. Even their tattoos are dull. (Do I seem to know a lot of refuges from the Midwest or do I?—well, 4 counting Spike.)
There's no place I want to go, though I may buy a bus pass &—ride. End of the line. You know, for the pleasure of looking out the window.
There is something criminal about lovely summer days to be endured. It's because no one loves me. Odd, when I am so very loveable. But people are looking somewhat alien. That peroxide blond in the pink shirt, for instance. Either the hair or the shirt (it's striped), or the sunburn. We-ird.
I must ask Danny if he's going home to Minneapolis for the fly festival. Now, he's disappeared. Like everybody else.
BM Starb's 5/20/01

Global Worming
On hot Wednesday (Mercredi Chaud), I find Daniel outside drinking a large iced beverage & looking like Starbuck's #1 Disgruntled Employee. Turns out the air conditioning went on the blink. Oh, but it's back now, so I don't have to go outside, or suffer the ignominy of dripping sweat, as I did in the Henry library mere minutes before. I came out today in sweatpants. I must be crazy.
Well, yes & no.
However, now the West is filling with electric blue-gray clouds folding themselves into highest heaven. And a little bit of breeze is blowing too. So maybe tomorrow (a day I was supposed to have off, but will not) (dang), it will be cool & breezy. I have to come up with something cool to wear. I have to go shopping for summer clothes. Sandals too. I'm sick of big hot shoes. But I also need a file cabinet. Luggage. A "cool" blanket. Round Trip tickets to Paris.
BM Starbs 5/23/01

What pleases me
What pleases me about the end of May/beginning of June (besides the growth of flowers, mild weather, summer clouds, birdies of all kinds hopping, singing, fucking, flying—esp. always the swallows—& the long pearly dusks) is the way people come out in costume. For didn't I just see a couple hop out of their VW in front of the B&O, he wearing a white suit with orchid boutonniere & she in a handkerchief-dress (fine linen or cambric) with a flattened Stargazer lily on her head. That's what it looked like anyway. And isn't that nice? I wonder where they're going. To a wedding? A garden party? The ball?
I also like seeing kids on their way to the Prom or graduation, or even the senior tea. Did we have a senior tea? If so, where? And why don't I remember? We had some constrained & ladylike festivities that even then I knew were second rate. Mother-daughter banquet. (That actually sounds like it could be fun—but not if the church [patriarchal] runs it.) I mean at least you know who you're with....or on second thought, maybe it's not always obvious who you mother is. And think how you'd feel to find out all your life you'd believed a lie. Or imagine finding your birth mother only to discover that your father was her father. It happens. Or that you were the product of a rape. Would you be grateful that she's had you?

Ha, all this from Mother-daughter banquets? Oh, the bad food. And oh, the entertainment. (Who had charge of those things—The Circle? Mesdames Leraas & Hanson? Must ask Janet. Or Mom!)
BM Starbs 5/27/01

Gathering Hints
Even the obnoxious decadent people have some appeal when I can contemplate them, over by the window, washed with light, & consider drawing. The goddish is-ness of illuminated objects (or subjects). Lux aeterna! (Glory Hallelujah.)

I don't draw—leave that for Lee. I ask Monsieur Blond where he's buying his summer wardrobe & he tells me he got a great deal at—Urban Outfitters!
Funny, all I ever found there was ugly retro stuff that I thought was ugly in 1974. They tell me there's a secret upstarts part with not-so-ugly stuff On Sale.
For some reason, I think I need sandals first. For the pleasure of cool feet.
Third day off, 2nd day back on "Dave" (slow going—slower than Dave runs)....but even when I get him to the End of the Trail (soon, really, 2 pages at most), nothing will be complete until I bring Meta into it. I mean to tell her version ("the real" story).

A wonderful day. Those charcoal gray clouds & pelting rain: it starts with one silver streak down my window. Poured for 15 minutes, tapered off & little blue patches appeared. Then the whole process repeated & immediately thereafter I went for a walk/run. I only ran for 2 or 3 blocks—but that's more than I've done for months & months. And my shoulder's better.
Dan Savage was quoted in the NYT saying that Seattle sucks. So it's not just me. I must make some profit from this awfulness. It wouldn't take much exaggeration. And then I'll take off for—umm—Cos Cob.
BM Starbs 5/28/01